Christmas Card Jokes Best Cracker

Christmas Card Jokes Best Cracker

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delivers elephants’s Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus ! 🙂 

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It’s Christmas, Eve !

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it !

Cute Christmas Jokes

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?
They both drop their needles !
What’s Christmas called in England ?
Yule Britannia !
What do you give a train driver for Christmas ?
Platform shoes !
What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
I’m going out tonight !
Whats happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule be happy !
How long does it take to burn a candle down ?
About a wick !

Christmas Jokes For Children

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: “I don’t like sprouts” !
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

🙂

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it’s to far to walk.
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!


Christmas Card Jokes – Best Cracker 4 Adults & Kids

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: What’s a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

😛

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

Jokes For Christmas Crackers

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it ” soots ” him!
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive” ?
A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”

Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: What’s a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Christmas Card Jokes

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

Jokes For Christmas Crackers

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it ” soots ” him!
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive” ?
A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”

Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What did one Angel say to the other ?
Halo there !

What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ?
Best vicious of the season

Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas !

How to cats greet each other at Christmas ?
“A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year” !
What do elephants sing at Christmas ?
No-elephants, no elephants !
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas ?
Cross mouse cards !
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ?
A merry Christmas to ewe
What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards ?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!) !

Christmas Cracker Jokes

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have “Sandy claws” !
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now that’s what you call pot luck!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?
What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

 

Adult Christmas Jokes

Christmas Pun
One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle
of a pasture. A shepard leading his flock decided to take a
shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of
the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepard began
tugging them to the other side.

“Look at that,” remarked Phil to Will. “That guy is trying to
pull the wool over our ice!”

Short Reindeer Jokes

Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !

 

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don’t feed it !

Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?
Because they are both tail bearers !
How long should a reindeer’s legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn’t want to be recognised !

Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !

What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !

Christmas Cracker Jokes For Adults

A Car For Christmas

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away. ‘Okay.’ said his father ‘I tell you what I’ll do. If you can get your ‘A’ level grades up to ‘A’s and ‘B’s, study your bible and get your hair cut, I’ll consider the matter very seriously.’

A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said ‘I’m really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I’m very disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut yet.

Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. ‘Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I’ve noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.’ ‘Yes. I’m aware of that…’ replied his father ‘… but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?’

😆
What did the guest sing at the Eskimo’s Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly fellow !

😯
What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ?
Fancy a bite ?
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with !
Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone ?
A dog ate him in the hall !
What would you do if you saw Dracula, Frankenstein & The Swamp Thing ?
Hope they were going as a fancy dress party !

Did you hear about Dracula’s Christmas party ?
It was a scream !
Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers ?
It went with a bang !
Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ?
It was a moth ball !
How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ?
Chick to chick !

What party game did Jekyll like best ?
Hyde and Seek !

Kids Christmas Jokes

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he’s Sooty !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ?
The letter “D” !
Who delivers the cat’s Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We’ll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.

 

What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ?
The letter “D” !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It’s Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he’s Sooty !
Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Christmas Jokes For Kids

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, “No L!”

Q: What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track – all straight!

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”

Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.

Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.

 

 

  • How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.
  • What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About 5 minutes.
  • How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone.
  • I bought my mum Mary Berry’s cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood’s but he’d sold out.
  • What’s David Cameron’s favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU.
  • Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F.B.I.
  • Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole? He couldn’t get past Iceland.
  • Why are Jeremy Corbyn’s Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed.
  • Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: ‘That’s some reindeer’ he says. The Queen replies: ’63 years. Yes, that is a lot.’
  • What’s the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they’re both a little orange.
  • What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol? O Comb Over Ye Faithful.
  • What’s the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party? Avoid the punch.
  • Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh? Because Team GB took all the gold.
  • Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not.
  • Why can’t the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas? Because they got rid of Allardyce.
  • I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
  • Why is Bob Dylan’s sleigh so quiet? Because it has Nobel.
  • Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie.
  • Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year? Theresa May.
  • Why can’t Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread.

2. Whatt do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About 5 minutes.

3. How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone.

4. I bought my mum Mary Berry’s cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood’s but he’d sold out.

5. What’s David Cameron’s favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU.

6. Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F.B.I.

7. Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole? He couldn’t get past Iceland.

8. Why are Jeremy Corbyn’s Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed.

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas? Twerky Credit: REX

9. Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: ‘That’s some reindeer’ he says. The Queen replies: ’63 years. Yes, that is a lot.’

10. What’s the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they’re both a little orange.

11. What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol? O Comb Over Ye Faithful.

12. What’s the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party? Avoid the punch.

13. Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh? Because Team GB took all the gold.

14. Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not.

15. Why can’t the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas? Because they got rid of Allardyce.

16. I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.

17. Why is Bob Dylan’s sleigh so quiet? Because it has Nobel.

18. Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie.

19. Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year? Theresa May.

20. Why can’t Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread.

 

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